Is It Worth It to Speak Up and Assert Yourself?

Learning to speak up and assert yourself is difficult. It requires a reconditioning of your default responses and an ability to tolerate the inevitable discomfort to create change. But nothing high stakes ever changes without putting considerable pressure on the system.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SPEAKING UP

In my practice, I see clients who have repeatedly made concessions and accommodations only to wake up mid-life, barely recognizing who they are. Often caught up in unsatisfying marriages, deadening careers, and frustrating relationships, they look around bewildered, asking, "How did I even get here?" A client stuck in an unhappy marriage with virtually no career prospects after having been a stay-at-home mom for 10 years recently said to me, "I'm a feminist. How did I let this happen?"

There is another way. Showing who you are and facing the consequences is the only way to get the life you want. We often have much more leeway to make these changes than we imagine. Our partners, if they love us, want us to be happy. If they value us, our bosses should want us to be able to thrive professionally and personally. Our friends and family, if they treasure us, will respect reasonable boundaries.

Focusing on what we can control—how we move through the world—is how we meaningfully change our situation and set a healthy example for those around us. Even if we've been over-accommodating in the past, or our needs have changed, we can still learn to assert ourselves. Consider the example of my client Christine, who, after years of subverting her desires to the demands of her husband's work, learned to stand up for herself.

CHRISTINE'S STORY

After moving around every two years for her husband's job, Christine saw her career prospects ebbing. She also worried about the effect so much relocating would have on their two kids now that they were in elementary school. We discussed how the constant moving directly conflicted with Christine's desires to build her career and invest in a community. She wanted to go back to work, make local friends, create a garden she didn't have to abandon two years in, and get involved at her kids' school.

Initially, Christine couldn't imagine sharing her feelings with her husband: "It would turn his life upside-down." But by keeping quiet, Christine’s needs and desires would forever be suppressed—and their relationship would suffer as a result. Christine had to risk speaking up and arguing with her husband to get the change she desired. In therapy, we practiced how she could state her position to her husband, hoping to have the conversation before the next time that a move came up. Christine left my office determined and confident to have that talk.

Unexpectedly, shortly after our discussion and before she'd had a chance to raise the issue, Christine's husband came home and announced that another move was in the works. This time, Christine was ready. "I'm don't want to move again. This lifestyle isn't working for me anymore. I want to set down roots here."

Startled by Christine's candor, her husband asked, "So, then, what do you expect me to do?"

Christine was prepared with an answer, having practiced in my office. "You can travel from here. Let this be your home base."

"That won't work," he said. "I'll be on the road all the time. I'll never be with you and the kids."

But Christine wasn't backing down. "Well then," she said, "it looks like you need to find a different job."

While he was initially furious with Christine for breaking the unspoken contract of their relationship—I'll financially support our family, and we'll all do whatever my job asks of me—Christine's husband did find another job. And as time went on, he discovered that he was happy with her new job and even happier to spend more time at home. As for the rest of the family, all are now thriving. Christine is finally settling into the life she wanted.

Christine had to reach the place where she was willing to risk ending the marriage she had before she could have the marriage that she wanted. She discovered that a loving partner might not be happy when pressed to make significant compromises but ultimately will do so if it's important to someone they love. 

Asserting ourselves doesn't always work as well as it did for Christine. But speaking up does usually move the needle in the right direction. Is there anything you're avoiding bringing up with your partner because it seems pointless? Take the risk of saying what you feel, voicing your desires, and advocating for what you need.