The formula for better self-esteem
Buddhist meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg has a beautiful quote on self-esteem. In her book "Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness," she writes, "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." Many of us would nod our head in agreement, but the truth is, that's not really how we think about ourselves.
In our day-to-day lives, many of us have, at best, an ambivalent relationship with the idea of healthy self-esteem. When you're unable to take healthy risks or make desired changes in your life, you might blame your lack of self-confidence. But in other people, we can be critical of high self-esteem. Say, "She's very self-confident," with a raised eyebrow, and everyone knows that's not a compliment. Add to this a culture that sometimes mistakes confidence in women with arrogance, but inflated self-worth in men with competence, and the concept of self-esteem becomes even murkier.
For some of us, there's an uncomfortable dichotomy at play. Either you have low self-esteem and are a decent, humble person, or you have high self-esteem, and you're a jerk. Our sense of what a healthy, desirable level of self-confidence is has become eroded and confused.
LET'S START BY DEFINING WHAT HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM IS:
1. Recognizing that you are worthy of goodwill and respect
2. The ability to realistically assess your strengths and weaknesses
3. Faith in your fundamental resilience in the face of life's twists and turns
Not sure you're quite there? Here are a few ideas that may help.
MONITOR YOUR SELF-TALK
Imagine self-talk as a news ticker scrolling across the bottom of the screen of your mind. The part of your brain that controls this news feed exists to scan for danger and wants only to keep you safe. This hard-working part of your brain has two primary tricks. One trick is beating you up emotionally, scaring you off of taking chances by saying things such as, "Who the hell do you think you are? You'll embarrass yourself!" The other trick is letting you off the hook in a way that doesn't serve you, saying things such as, "You can ask for a promotion/start your novel/have a difficult conversation tomorrow." This keeps you firmly in your comfort zone, which is reassuring for this part of our brain but results in no risk-taking, no progress, and battered self-esteem.
If you’re aware of these thoughts, you can address them. While many of us wish we could forcefully rip the news ticker out of our brain, 'the scanning for danger' part is pretty important. But what it is effective to talk back to the news ticker in a compassionate, neutral way. You can say things such as, "I know I'm scared, but I can still take the next step," or "This is uncomfortable for me, but I am going to try it anyway."
Another trick is to focus on how you'll feel after you've taken the next step. Even if something doesn't go perfectly, you can still feel good about your effort, which brings us to the next point.
Cultivate a growth mindset
Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., author of "Mindset, the New Psychology of Success," describes a fixed mindset as the belief that intelligence and abilities are inborn traits, altered little by effort or practice. A person with a growth mindset believes that intelligence and abilities are malleable, and with effort, can be improved. According to Dweck's research, a growth mindset results in better academic outcomes and increased confidence. And probably more exciting lives. We can encourage a growth mindset by framing our achievements as the result our diligent effort instead of our inborn aptitude. People with a growth mindset "fail forward" by learning from their mistakes, and making course corrections along the way.
CELEBRATE MAKING AN EFFORT, EVEN IF THE RESULTS ARE DISAPPOINTING
It's a myth that for a particular type of person, self-esteem is innate, and progress is inevitable. Somewhere we learned that if we are on the right track, it should feel effortless and fun. In reality, doing something new, when the stakes are high, is hard. Taking risks, especially in front of other people, often feels terrible. This is what growth feels like. The good news is we adapt quickly, and the same thing that felt terrifying when you first got started might be no big deal after a few weeks.
THERE IS A FORMULA FOR BETTER SELF-ESTEEM:
1. Set a goal that is outside your comfort zone. It doesn't matter if it doesn't seem like a big deal to other people. If saying good morning to the barista who makes your coffee every morning ties your stomach in knots, start there.
2. Achieve your goal. This may take several attempts. Look for ways to course-correct after each try. The important thing is to keep at it.
3. Celebrate once you've achieved your goal. This seems obvious, but it is the hardest part for people. Nine times out of ten, once we reach our goal, we immediately start to minimize its importance. Knock that off. Treat yourself like a friend and give yourself credit for doing something hard.
Self-esteem is not the belief that you'll always be fantastic; it's the in-depth knowledge that you won't die of shame when you aren't. It's awareness, not of your talent, but your resilience. Consider this, from comedian Amber Ruffin, "I honestly believe that before you crash and burn in a show, you will never truly be a fearless performer. You spend so long trying not to embarrass yourself. Once you have the worst show of your life and survive, you know it's not that bad. Then, you become this fearless, shameless weirdo version of yourself that turns out to be who you really are."